Name:Erin Country:United States State:Pennsylvania Metro:Harrisburg Birthday:9/2/1989 Gender:Female
Interests:boys/music/soccer/
friends/taking walks at night Expertise:Music...wind instruments...
soccer...math...school i suppose... Occupation:Student
so i guess i've begun to use this just for complaining and ranting when i know nobody will want to hear me do it straightforwardly. but oh well, at least i have something.
jealousy is bitter, especially when you can't hate the person because you don't really have a personal reason to. but lately i've been so jealous of one particular person...she seems to have the effortless senior life, and she attracts guys left and right...which just happen to be my two best guy friends. now you'd think i shouldn't have a problem with them being attracted to someone else, but i guess i do...especially if a, she doesn't see how lucky she is or b, they leave me behind for her. which they seem to be doing. i should expect that from them, since it's happened before, and obviously i shouldn't be as important as a love interest, but that doesn't make it hurt any less. and i can't talk to them about it without seeming needy or what have you, so i'm stuck sitting on the sideline and watching them both fall for her, while kind of leaving me behind. which is why i want to get out of here now and go to college, meet new people, and stop caring so much about the people living in my little box.
time for another one of those complaint posts. i'm just getting fed up, so i have to record my thoughts somewhere. hopefully you all out there can sympathize.
after months and months of thinking i wasn't capable of liking someone, being interested, or wanting a relationship, i finally found a guy that fit the description i was looking for. very cute, extremely nice, thought of others' feelings, funny, flirty, fun to be around...an all around great guy. and he seemed interested in me too, and that didn't scare me off. it was a miracle. only glitch was that he lived 3 hours away. but i was willing to make it work...but guess what. i get the old 'i dont want a relationship right now' bit. now, sure, it might be true, and i was willing to believe it was. but then i found out he was dating someone, after said girl im's me and asks what i'm doing sending her boyfriend emails. turns out she has his password. and he didn't seemed ruffled by the fact that she looked through his emails. which showed me where i stood...and all my feelings suddenly changed. he was no longer the guy i was aiming for, the guy i imagined waiting for me when i got back from a run to inspire me to run faster, the guy i wanted above anyone else. he became...just a friend, someone i met on a trip that i could catch up with once in a while but not keep close contact with all the time. it suddenly felt like we had nothing to talk about. and i think i could have fallen in love with this guy...
time for guy number two. one of my friends introduced me to him recently, telling me he and i would be a good match, and he was looking for someone. you know, in the market. so i met him, and we went on two dates. all the while he never made any sort of move, not to hold my hand, kiss me, nothing. and it seemed like he liked me...i'd get texts from him every day, we'd talk and stuff...so i asked him after our second date what was up. guess what? 'i dont think i want a relationship right now'. another story ending in a brick wall.
guy number three...i met him on the same trip as guy number one. now, this story's a bit different in that i didn't actually want to date this guy, i saw him as a good friend and possibly with benefits, but never a relationship. but his story ends similarly. we were talking on the bus one time, and i found out he liked me. and he was sad at the end, because he'd miss me and everyone else, but also that nothing could happen between us. because...dun dun dun...he 'didn't want to do a relationship.' now, his story is a little more believable, because he's going to college and is, bluntly, a flirt whore. so it's not so bad. he just has the same phrase in common with the other two.
i'm beginning to lose confidence. nobody seems to want to give a relationship with me a shot. maybe i just have bad timing and really all the guys i've met have not wanted a relationship at all. i'm willing to believe it. because if i believe otherwise...all my self-confidence i gained this summer will drain, and my old insecure self will return, further decreasing my chances of being happy, both with myself and with someone else. and that's never good. so i guess i'll just have to wait my turn...whenever that may come. college may bring some opportunities...
so it's time for another one of those posts. no, not THOSE posts where i complain about how stupid i am/how depressing my life is/i dont have a guy. just some random thoughts that came to mind late this friday night.
i never realized how fast growing up happens. i feel like just recently i was moving up into sixth grade, ready to face a whole new huge school with older people milling around everywhere, having to obey a bell instead of a teacher. i remember sitting in the middle school orientation as a sixth grader, looking at all the eighth graders sitting there and thinking "man, i'll never get that far". and now here i am, three months away from my 18th birthday, getting way too close to senior year for comfort. the year of lasts, the year of memories. i never thought my life and childhood would leave me so quickly. it's exciting, but also a little sad. i'm not ready to be an adult yet. my parents keep saying this is my last year of living at home...and i can't believe it. there's no way i'm almost moving out. going out into the big world, living on my own, doing what i want and being responsible for myself, leaving all my friends to make their ways in the world, without all of us together to provide guidance and support. for the first time since third grade i will be without carrie, without seeing her every day and learning what happens to her, from the big things like relationships to little things like something funny mr. ziegler said in class that day. i will miss it terribly, but i suppose they always say the only thing constant is change.
it's also interesting how friendships change. because they do, constantly. i now have a tight-knit group of friends that just became close about two years ago. though we do branch off a lot, we can always be together when it's important. i've also lost a few friends over the recent years. gained a few back, but some have been lost forever. and the unfortunate thing is that one friend i have lost is also great friends with my closest group of friends, and i sometimes find myself left out. and the outrageous thing was, the friend that i lost, when we had the fight that caused the rift, blamed me for taking the attention of my friends and stuff. the thing is, though....they were MY friends first. not hers. sometimes i just dont get people. but the loss and gain has been...good in some cases, weird and bad in others. the good case....the break off caused us both to grow more and cultivate a more healthy friendship that we are now enjoying a lot more than we had before. though in the other case...we had a great thing going, and he ended it suddenly. actually, it was very hazy, it was just a general cutoff without telling me anything. the break caused us to grow apart in such a way that fixing it is not even an option right now. everything's different, and i lament the loss because it ruined everything. but that's okay, i have more friends that care about me even more.
i've noticed how much i've changed as well. both physically and emotionally...i'm loving my new, more mature build. my stomach has flattened out, i've filled out more, and generally i've become more toned. my new arm muscles from scooping ice cream (ha!) are defined and tanned, and my leg muscles are prominent and, i must say, pretty good-looking. i look older, and i feel so confident about myself now. its awesome. and i feel much more mature and confident overall...drum major tryouts are going on, and, well this may sound kind of stuck-up, but i know my abilities are pretty darn good, and i can tell how others are doing. i feel like i know what i'm doing and can be a good leader of the band next year, no matter who stands beside me in command. i know my schoolwork is going well, and i'm relieved to say that a) i dont have to work extremely hard, b) i know exactly what i want to do after high school, c)i know where i want to go (IUP) and that i will get in, and d)i will be doing exactly what i want to do with little or no obstacles. it's a comforting feeling. emotionally, i am able to control my emotions and not get too carried away with anything, and not to stress over too much. i'm not stressed that i dont have a boyfriend, it'll happen eventually. i dont stress over small issues with friends...basically i'm a bit more laid-back. i feel happier and more alive recently...i think '07 and '08 are gonna be good years.
looking to the future, learning from the past, living in the present.
i was looking at recent posts, the few before the ones from last night, and i realized what a sappy fool i had been. after knowing a guy for what, a month? i said i was in love. "oh he's amazing, i hope i never lose him, blah blah fucking blah". what an idiot. as soon as i found a guy who was remotely interested in me i claimed love. that's stupid. love is just a game, an illusion, some phantom good feeling that ends up hurting more than it does good. it's like giving someone your heart to take care of, someone you trust, and having them able to squeeze and torture it every second, or just smash it in two if they want. and sometimes, after they smash it and you fix it as much as you can, they ask for it back. what is one supposed to do in that situation? trust them again? i say you wait for them to prove it. prove they can be responsible. and so far those who have asked have not proved anything to me in the least. i'll just wait.
i'm excited for prom, but i kinda wanted a date. i refuse to ask anyone, but the only people i thought might ask me have already agreed to go with others. so i guess i'm going stag. with my beautiful dress and special occasion updo. whatever. i'm used to not being asked. i've accepted that no one i know wants me. and that's okay.
there. the end. not much else to say. i lament my past, look toward the future that is unknown and unexpected, and live life for the present.
